This section contains jokes which, like those in Chapter 7, reveal some dark angles in the Russian people's psyche. It must be noted that the number of such jokes, some of which may be revolting for many readers, is actually not large. Still, they exist, and find certain audience in Russia, and therefore I decided to include these items as well, for the sake of factual registration of whatever does exist and therefore can be only ignored if one wants to close one's eyes to the not very pleasing facts of reality.

This section is obviously not for everybody, and those readers who wouldn't like to immerse in an offensive material, better omit this section. Even though all items in this chapter seem to belong to an 'off-color' category, some of them are more and other less offending for sensitive readers. Therefore the especially bizarre items are marked in this chapter with asterisk (*), as a warning sign.

8.1 * A peasant drove his cart next to a cemetery. He noticed, on one of the graves, a man who seemed to be engaged in a sexual act with two naked girls.

"Is one not enough for you?" the peasant shouted. "Why won't you give me one?"

"To give him!" the man answered. "Take a shovel and dig out for yourself as many as you like."

8.2 * There is a meeting in progress of the representatives of food industry. Director of a sausage factory reports on the technology of sausage production.

"We've no secrets actually. We just take regular mincemeat, add some shit...."

"But what if there is not enough meat available? How do you fulfil the plan and supply your city with the sausage?"

"Don't you know, really? Our cemetery is next door after all."

8.3 * At an university, a lecture about trees is in progress. The lecturer explains that different trees produce different kinds of nuts. Some of the nuts are round shaped, some angular in shape, some are green, some are brown etc. Only one tree in the world has black nuts. Professor names that tree in Latin. Then Professor notices that one female student is not listening to him, but is fully absorbed in reading a book. He approaches her, and, pointing a finger at her, shoots a question, "Whose nuts are black?"

Startled, the student replies, "Those of a Negro."

8.4 At a university, a lecture is in progress about sexual anomalies. Professor asks the students, "How do we call a man who wants, but can't?"

"Impotent," the choir of students answers.

"Right. And how do we call a man who can but wouldn't?"

After a minute of silence, one female student jumps up and shouts, "A scoundrel!"

8.5 In a school, a female teacher asked a student, "Ivanov, why did you miss two days in class?"

"Day before yesterday, my mother was laundering my pants."

"And what about yesterday?"

"I walked by your house and saw your panties drying. So, I thought you wouldn't be in school."

8.6 * A female teacher walked into the class and saw a giant penis realistically depicted on the black board.

"Who did it?" she asked.

Silence.

"I demand that those who did it admit it!"

Silence.

"The last time, who did it?"

"You won, it was me," Peter said from the last row.

"Now everybody shall leave the room except for Peter," the teacher said.

The students walked out. Minute passed. Then five, then ten... After half an hour, Peter walked out, and, zipping up his fly, said, "The main thing is advertisement."

8.7 * A doctor said to his wife, "I treated today a patient with an enormous penis. Some man from Georgia, by the name of Avtandil."

A few days later, the doctor came home and saw Avtandil coming out from the doctor's apartment.

"What are you doing here?" the doctor said.

"Hey, my dear doctor, I didn't know you were a tattler!"

8.8 A Professor at a Medical School walked into the class and saw that not a single female student was present. After a while, one female student walked into the classroom. "Why are you late?" the Professor demanded.

"But, Professor, don't you know that Shimanski died?"

Professor shrugged, and resumed his lecture, when another female student walked in. To the Professor's question about her tardiness, she said again, "But Shimanski died!"

Then one more female student came, and gave the same explanation, adding that she went to the morgue because she had learned about Shimanski's death. In the course of the next hour, one female student after another appeared at the entrance to the classroom, and all of them repeated the same sentence, "Shimanski died!"

After the lecture, intrigued Professor went to the morgue. He looked at Shimanski's body, cut off Shimanski's tool of manliness and put it into his leather bag.

When the Professor came home, his wife said, "Why is your bag bulging so much?" She looked into the bag and said, "My God! Shimanski died!"

8.9 Two partners, Misha and Vitya, opened in Moscow a boutique for peddling fake body parts to women who wished to improve their looks. Once a woman came in, got what she wanted, and left. In about twenty minutes, she stormed back and shouted, "What did you do to me? A crowd is following me."

Misha looked at the woman and said, "Hey Vitya, I told you to install boobs number three, and you used instead an ass number eight!"

8.10. At a banquet, a lady happened to sit next to a surgeon. As the surgeon came late, the lady asked him about the reason for his tardiness.

"I had to perform an urgent operation," the surgeon said.

"How interesting!" the lady said. "What kind of operation?"

"I had to cut off a body part which made my patient a man."

"My God, you had to saw through a bone?" the lady exclaimed.

"My congratulations," the surgeon said, "I see that your husband is obviously in perfect health."

8.11 An old woman came to a doctor.

"Please, undress," the doctor said, without glancing at the patient and continued filling out a report on the previous patient.

"What d'you mean, doctor?"

"Undress, undress," the doctor said. "There, behind the screen."

"But, doctor..."

"Undress, undress," the doctor repeated absentmindedly.

The woman sighed, undressed behind the screen, walked out, naked, approached the sofa and said, "Well then, come over now, come over, you naughty boy."

8.12 A woman says to her husband, "Darling, our son is approaching maturity. Don't you think it's time to think of his sex education? Why won't you explain to him facts of life? Talk to him as a man to a man. Just be cautious. For example, start about butterflies."

The father summons his son for a frank and serious talk.

"Peter," the father says in a stern tone. "Do you remember how last week we went with you to Masha the whore?"

'Yes, father, I remember."

"So, butterflies do it the same way."

8.13 Two female friends met. One said, "Is it true, Masha, that you've married?"

"Yes."

"So is it better now?"

"Not better, but more often."

8.14 A rookie of a sailor asks an experienced comrade how to find out what his wife's behavior was in his absence.

"Very simple. When I come back from the sea, I walk to the entrance to my house, and there always are women sitting and gossiping. I say, "Greetings, whores." They shout, "Is it we who are whores? Then what about your wife?" And they pour out all the story.

8.15 * "Father, does the sun have legs?"

"No, why?"

"Then why did you say last night, 'My little Sun, spread your sweet legs?"

8.16 * "Mother, what kind of fish is called secretary?"

"It's not fish. It's a woman who types documents etc."

"Then why Father said yesterday over the phone that he had grilled the secretary throughout the night?"

8.17 . A woman is in bed with her lover. She says, "My love, you're so strong and brave, what would you do if suddenly my husband appeared in the doorway?"

"I would beat the shit out of him. I would screw off his head and say it was always that way...."

Suddenly, they hear a frightened voice from the doorway, "No, no, I am still for two more days on a business trip."

8.18 * In Moscow, a clinic for artificial insemination of women was opened in which the gender and the preselected appearance of the kids were guaranteed. A woman came for treatment. The doctor asked, "Do you want a boy or a girl?"

"A girl."

The doctor nodded and started mixing several liquids in a flask.

"Blond or brunette?"

"Blond."

The doctor added more components to the flask.

"What size of hips? Height? Waist?"

The woman answered, and the doctor mixed in more ingredients.

"Finally, do you want your daughter to look more or less like some of the famous movie stars?"

"Yes, yes. A little like Marilyn Monroe, a little like Liz Taylor...."

"No problem," the doctor said. "Now drink this."

The woman drank the concoction and at once fell asleep on a sofa. The doctor started undressing her. Then he unzipped his pants and said, "They all want Liz Taylor, or Marilyn Monroe. Whatever it will be, that's what it will be."

8.19 A man was sent from Russia to France for a business trip. The first day, he went to a store and bought 50 condoms, as gifts to all of his friends in Russia. In his hotel, he laid his gifts on the bed, counted the condoms and found there were only 49 of them. Next morning, angry, he rushed to the same store and said, "You gave me only 49 condoms instead of 50."

The attendant handed over one more condom and said, "I am terribly sorry, Sir, that I've spoiled you such a great night."

8.20 A man came to a doctor and complained that he experienced impotency. The doctor prescribed him a medication in a powder form. The man came home and left the medication on the kitchen counter. His wife mistook the powder for salt.

The man was sitting at the dinner table waiting for his wife to bring spaghetti from the kitchen. As she did not show up for a long time, he shouted, "What's going on?"

The wife answered, "I never saw such noodles. They keep standing up in the pan."

8.21 * The little Red Riding Hood was in bed with the wolf. She asked:

"Grandma, why are your ears so large?"

"To hear you better," the wolf said.

"Grandma, why are your eyes so large?"

"To see you better," the wolf said.

"Grandma, why do you have such a long tail?"

"It's not tail," the wolf said and blushed.

8.22 In a train, a young woman was sitting next to a priest. On a turn, she swung toward the priest and had to prop herself with her elbow in the priests lap.

"Oh...Ohh..." she said and blushed.

"Not oh, oh, oh, but the key to the temple," the priest growled.

8.23 * A woman was going to marry and didn't know how to make her bridegroom believe that she was a virgin. A friend advised her to cut a thin layer off a meat slab, and place it between her legs.

On the wedding night, when she and her husband went to bed, he pulled the meat film from between his wife's legs.

"What the hell is it?" he said.

"Don't you know, it's what made me a virgin."

"Look at that," the husband said. "Even in the cunt there is the stamp of our meat processing plant!"

8.24 Before leaving for work, a man said to his wife, "How many times did I say to you, don't sleep with your legs apart. One day your liver may fall out."

Next day, she apparently forgot the husband's warning. When he saw her sleeping with her legs apart, he decided to frighten her. He went to the kitchen, took a cow's liver, and laid it between his wife's legs.

When, in the evening, he came back home from work, his wife said, "You were right, darling. My liver fell out this morning."

"And was it painful?" the husband said.

"When it fell out, it was not. But when I was squeezing it back in....."

8.25 Three women met in a resort and talked about their husbands.

One said, "I married an old general. So, now I have a house, and a car, and servants."

"And what about your sexual life?"

"Well, you know, he is so old, he's not interested in sex any more."

"So, what about yourself?"

"He has young aide-de-camps, a whole bunch of these young lieutenants... And you, my dear?"

"I married a very distinguished old composer. He is rich and famous. So I have everything a woman can dream of."

"And is he good in bed?"

"Oh, he is too absorbed in music, he's no time, no desire, and no vigor for sex."

"So, how do you endure it?"

"He has a whole orchestra, with all these young violinists, and drummers, and what not."

The third woman said, "I'm also a whore, but I am not yet married."

8.26 * Once a Prime Minister of a small African country came to Moscow with an official visit. During a reception, one high-ranked Soviet official asked the guest, "Tell me please, your Excellency, how have you solved the Jewish problem in your country?"

"We have no Jewish problem," the Prime Minister said. "We had once one Jew in our country, but we ate him...."

8.27 A woman set out on an excursion trip whose participants were warned to bring their own food. She was a little late, so she gathered in a hurry pieces of food, put them in a bag, and ran out from her apartment. As a streetcar was passing her, she jumped onto it and pushed her way into the aisle. The streetcar was full, and she found herself pressed by bodies from all sides. She caught her breath and decided to check if she did not forget anything. She squeezed her hand into her bag, and mumbled, "Bread is here... Salt is here. Aha, here's the sausage, and here are the nuts..." At that time a man who was standing next to her said, "Either really do it, or take your hand out of my fly."

8.28 * In a overcrowded streetcar, a man who was standing next to a woman and was pressed to her by the crowd, after being jolted many times by the car's jerking motions, and being rubbed against the woman, suddenly lost control, pulled up the woman's skirt and started making love to her. She cried, "Scoundrel! Bandit! Help! Help! Police! Police! Po-o-o-li-ice! Oh,oh, oh... my little sweet dear police-ce-ce-ce."

8.29 * A man ran into a public toilet, holding his hands over his abdomen. All the stalls turned out to be occupied. The man knocked at the door of the first stall, and cried, "Comrade! Please, comrade." The person inside the stall did not react. The man ran to the second stall. "Comrade! Please, my dear comrade!" No reaction. He sprinted to the third stall, and, knocking at the door, cried, "Comrade! Comrade! For God's sake, comrade!" No reaction. The man turned to run to the fourth door, then suddenly drooped his shoulders, let his hands fall loose, and said in a dropped voice, "Alas, comrade, comrade...."

8.30 A man came to a doctor and complained that he was not able to pee. The doctor took a look and said, "But of course you can't. You've tied your penis into a knot."

"Ah!" the man shouted. "Thank you, doctor, I was breaking my head trying to remember where I tied a knot to remind myself to pay my union dues."

8.31 In winter time, an old sparrow is sitting on a tree, shuddering from cold. A younger sparrow says, "Chief, why won't we fly to the South?"

"Don't jump, young fellow. Better watch the road."

"But in the South it's warm, and butterflies abound, so pleasant and nice."

"Don't jump," the old Chief says. "Look carefully at the road. If you miss a horse, we'll be without the warm food once again."

8.32 In a Russian public bathhouse naked men swarmed in a large steam-filled room. Two small boys saw there a man with an enormous round belly.

"Uncle, what is that you've there?" they asked, pointing to the man's belly.

"A bomb!" the man answered angrily.

The boys walked a few steps from the man. One of them whispered, "Let's explode his bomb."

The other boy said, "It's dangerous."

"Why?"

"The fuse is too short."

8.33 * A man asked a friend to recommend a woman for an intimate relationship. The friend gave a name and the telephone of a woman but warned that with that woman the intercourse often resulted in the partners being stuck together at their genitals.

"Thanks for warning," the man said. "I'll be cautious. We'll do it in a doggy position."

'Why?" the friend said.

"If we are stuck in that position, at least we'll be able to walk in step to the emergency hospital."

8.34 At a medical school, a Professor of Anatomy said to the class, "A physician must possess two important qualities. First, a physician must be not squeamish, and, second, a physician must be observant. Let's check now whether you possess these two qualities. Here is a cadaver. So, look here, I am inserting my finger into the cadaver's anus. Now I'm putting my finger into my mouth. And now every student shall repeat this in a way of test."

One by one, the students approached the bench where the cadaver was resting, inserted fingers into the cadaver's anus, and, with distorted faces, some of them shuddering, obediently placed their fingers into their mouths. When all students finished the test, the Professor said, "Good, you all passed the test in regard to the absence of squeamishness. Unfortunately you forgot about the second necessary quality of a physician. A physician must be observant. None of you noticed that I put into the cadaver's anus my forefinger, but into my mouth my middle finger."

8.35 In a food store, a long line is snaking toward the counter. A small, wrinkled, limping old man walks into the store, surveys the line, and says bashfully, "Excuse me, comrades. I am ashamed to ask. I only need a small piece of sausage. Would you kindly permit me to buy it without standing in line?"

The people in the line shrug, and reluctantly let the old man approach the counter.

"Sausage," the old man says. "No, not from that slab. Bring me a fresh slab from the fridge. Now, slice it thinner. Thinner, I said. Wrap it in two layer of paper, you understand? Now, this cheese. Not from this side, turn it over. Slice it thinner. Thinner!"

The people in the line who waited quietly, start displaying impatience.

"Comrade, you said it would be only a small slice...."

The old man pays no attention. "Now this herring. Not the upper one. Bring me another, a larger one. Now butter. Is it fresh?"

So it goes for another twenty minutes. The people in the line are now angry and let it be known. Finally the old man has all he wanted. He is not limping any longer. He walks toward the exit. Before exiting, he turns to the line, and, pointing his finger at one person after the other, says, "As to you, and you, and you, and you, I have all of you personally fucked!"

8.36 A man wearing glasses, bearded and mustachioed, walks into a store that carries items of art.

"May I see this beautiful terracotta figurine? Thank you very much indeed. What a beauty! What power of self-expression! It's a real symphony in ceramics. What an incisive spirit was at work creating this wonder. Excuse me, would it not be presumptuous on my part if I were to humbly beg of you to tell me how much you charge for this chef-d'oeuvre?"

"Three hundred rubles."

"Shit!"

8.37 In a train, two strangers, a man and a woman, happened to be in the same compartment. The woman took the lower pallet, and the man climbed to the upper one. Toward the nighttime, the woman started preparing her bed, while the man watched from his place. She unscrewed an artificial arm and laid it on the floor. Then she unscrewed a leg, and laid next to the arm. Then she unscrewed her breast and laid in next to the leg and the arm, and then there was no free place any more on the floor. The man said from the upper pallet, "Miss, I'll be happy to be of help. If you will unscrew what makes you a woman, just place it here on my pallet."

8.38 A French woman came to Russia as a tourist and was raped in her hotel by ten men. When she came to the police, crying and asking for help, the police lieutenant said, "If you provide the description of all ten men, we surely will find them."

"I'm not interested in all ten of them, but please find for me the third and the eighth ones."

8.39 Two women met and one said, "Masha, have you heard Sonya was raped yesterday?"

"Really? Some have all, some nothing. What is she so lucky for? She has a husband, she has a lover, and now also this."

8.40 A wolf raped the Little Riding Red Hood. Then he stretched out under a bush and said, "Well, my Little Riding Red Hood, what would you say to your Granny if she asked why you're late?"

"I'll say that the Wolf raped me five times."

"Hey, Little Riding Red Hood, don't dream! It was just once."

"Are you in a hurry?"

8.41 In a court, a case of rape is adjudicated. The judge says, "Victim, tell the court how you have been raped."

"Almost perfect, Judge."

8.42 A sailor had an accident in which he lost a part of what made him a man.

A doctor performed a surgery and sewed the end of the organ to its root part, while the middle part was lost. Then the doctor told him, "Don't be too upset. The remaining part is still of quite decent size. I wonder though, what this tattoo means, this letters G and t ?"

"This is what remained from the original full tattoo which said "Greetings to the girls of Crimea from the sailors of the Red Banner Order Black Sea Fleet."

8.43 A man knocked at an apartment's door and said, "Do homosexuals live here? "

A man in the apartment answered, "I don't know. Let me ask my wife. Peter! Do homosexuals live here?"

8.44 * In a class, a teacher showed the students a brick and said, "Now everybody will tell me what you think about when you see this brick."

"I think of our heroic toilers who build communism using such bricks," one student said.

"Good. Now you, Sveta."

"I think about our heroic forefathers who used such bricks as a weapon when they fought on barricades during the Revolution."

"Very good. Now you, Peter."

"I think of a cunt."

"And why, permit me to ask, are you thinking of such a thing when I specifically showed you this brick?"

"I just always think of it."

8.45 * An officer says to a soldier, "If you will not change your ways and will not perform your duty as required, I'll fuck you in your ass!"

"Eh, comrade lieutenant, you just promise and promise."

8.46 In a class, the teacher asked the students to tell about their mothers.

"My mother is a typist."

"And my mother is a seamstress."

"My mother is a prostitute," Vova said.

The teacher blushed and ordered Vova to report to the principal. When Vova returned from the principal, the teacher asked, "What, did he reproach you?"

"No, he just wrote down the address."

8.47 A girl who was in the eighth grade said to her parents, "Today we had a physician in our class. We all undressed and he conducted a check-up."

"And?"

"You know, they found only one virgin in the entire class."

"Good girl."

"Mom, but this was our teacher."

8.48 Sonya came home from the kindergarten.

"What were you doing today, Sonya?" the mother asked.

'We went for a walk along the river."

"And then?"

"And then we all had a breakfast."

"And then?"

"And then we all peed. The boys peed from small pipelets, the girls from nothing, and our teacher aunt Anna from a dirty red brush."

8.49 Vova brought home his grade book. Vova's father looked at it and said, "I see you misbehaved. For example, it says here that you smoked in class."

"You call it smoke? I just found a cigarette butt and only could inhale two times."

"Maybe. But here it says you came to the school drunk."

"You call it drunk? I only found in garbage a bottle with a few drops of vodka..."

"Maybe. But here it says you tried to rape an old cleaning woman."

"Try! But I did not do it after all."

"I see you need a lesson."

Next day the father took Vova to his office. He showed him to a deep leather chair, and when Vova took the seat, the father offered him a cigar. Vova puffed, and the father poured for Vova a glass of French brandy. As Vova drank, his father opened the door and pointed at his young and pretty secretary.

"How do you like it, Vova?"

"Very much, father."

"So, to smoke good cigars, and to drink good brandy, and to have a young and pretty secretary, one has to study, to study, and once again to study!"

8.50 A young man with only one ear, bleeding from where the other ear had been, climbed to a bus, laughing. The people shook their heads, saying "What's funny about having lost a ear? One rather should weep."

The one-ear man said, "Big deal, one ear! I am just coming from a wedding. There was a fight. They tore off my ear, but I have the bridegroom's cock in my pocket!"

8.51 A man had an altercation with his wife. He said, "It's enough. I'm leaving. I'm going to Vietnam."

"Are you crazy? You'll be killed there."

"I'm not going to fight. I'm going to make money."

"How?"

"There are so few men remaining in Vietnam that the Vietnamese women pay a man three rubles per night."

"Then I'll go with you"

"What for?"

"To see how you will live on six rubles per months."

8.52 Two friends met, and one said to the other, "I've bought a parrot. He already knows four words. Very smart bird."

"A propos about birdies," the other said. "My wife's brother has such a cock, that on it sit two crows, a blue jay, and there is still a space for a sparrow."

8.53 A man came to a doctor's office. The receptionist said, "Comrade, this doctor treats only women's illnesses."

"I know."

"He only receives women."

"But does he put in the IUD's?"

"Yes."

"Then he must also be able to take it off."

8.54 A girl came home just before dawn. The father was furious. "Where have you been?' he said, with a belt in hand.

"Papa, I was raped."

"It couldn't take more than a few minutes. Where did you gad about until dawn?"

8.55 A girl came home very late, her dress all crumpled, her hair disheveled, blades of grass in her hair and on her dress.

"What happened to you, my daughter?" her father asked anxiously.

"Papa, I don't know what it was, but from now on it's my hobby."

8.56 A hen was walking along a railway. A train ran over her. She rolled head over heels several times, then put in order her feathers and said with admiration, "What a cock!"

8.57 A group of Russian men came to France as tourists. In Paris they visited a brothel. When they came back home to Russia, they told confidently to their incredulous listeners, "You know, all those French girls in the brothel turned out to be virgins!"

In the Paris brothel, recalling their Russian customers, the girls said, "Those Russians all were so impatient, they even didn't let us take off our pantyhose."

8.58 * A man walked into a pharmacy and requested one condom of the largest available size. The attendant placed on the counter the largest size they had.

"No, I want a really large one. I'm going to a masquerade ball in our school, and I intend to make a point about safe sex. So I want to dress up as a penis, and I need a condom in a way of a costume."

"You want to look like a penis?" the attendant said. "Just straighten out your tie and it will do it."

8.59 A representative of a Russian Ministry was sent to France to negotiate an order for some machinery with a French industrial corporation. When he came back home from France, he told his friends how the French corporation received him.

"They were very hospitable. They took me to lakes, and to gardens, and to museums. A car with a chauffeur was waiting for me at all times. Each evening when I came back to my hotel, a coffee and pastries were waiting for me on my table. They changed towels and soap every day! Can you believe it? They really tried to meet every wish I could have. Also, there was one small addition to all of that. When I was ready to go to bed, every night I found in my bed a different young woman. Of course, you'd say it was but a minute detail, but it had such a pleasant touch!"

8.60 In a Russian public bathhouse, one door led from the anteroom to a women's section, and the other, to the men's section. A drunken man undressed in the anteroom and walked by mistake into the women's section where, among the clouds of steam, naked women's bodies glistened under the dim light of a few bulbs. The women, each holding an aluminum bowl, formed a line toward a hot water tap. The drunkard screamed in delight, hugged the nearest woman and started making love to her. The woman shouted, "Beat the scoundrel up! With a bowl! With a bowl! With a bowl! With a small bowl, with a very small bowl. With a sweet baby bowlie... bowlie... bowlie...."

8.61 A wife said to her husband, "This night, it was as good as never before. What happened? Did it become thicker?"

"No," the husband said. "I folded it right in the middle."

 8.62 A member of the Politburo of the communist Party came home tired after a very taxing working day. He went to bed with his wife but could not fulfil his spouse's duty. "Take a bath," the wife said. "You'll feel better."

The Party honcho sat down into a tub and filled it with warm water. "Look," he shouted to his wife. "You were right, it's up now all like a ramrod." He dried himself with a towel and rushed to the bed.

"It's the same way, though," the wife said. "It's as flaccid as a dead monk. Go back to bath."

The Party honcho again filled the tub, sat down and shouted, "But it's up now! I'm coming to you." He returned to bed.

"What the devil do you pretend," the wife said angrily. "Still the same. Like a lump of butter. One more time, take the bath. While in the tub, forget all those Party matters, will you? Concentrate! And don't come to me until you're ready like a real man."

The man went into the tub the third time. As the water filled the tub, he shouted, "Look, you incredulous woman. I'm telling you, it's up all right."

The wife walked into the bathroom and said, "My God, that's because they didn't teach you physics at the Party school. Don't you see, it's not up, it's simply floating."

8.63 A woman woke up and noticed the blanket puckering up where her husband's crotch was supposed to be.

"Oh, finally!" she cried. "Finally, my dear! What a pleasant surprise!"

The husband hurled off the blanket showing his fist which was making the lump in the blanket, and said, laughing, "Don't you remember, today's April 1st."

8. 64 * During a communist Party congress, three representatives from Siberia argued in whose city the winter was the coldest. The deputy from Omsk said, "In our place, if you spit, it falls to the ground as a lump of ice."

"Not a big deal," the deputy from Irkutsk said. "In our city, if you go to piss outside, you have at once an arc of ice from your cock to the ground."

"Not a big deal," the deputy from Krasnoyarsk said. "In our area the people go outside to shit in pairs. While one shits, the other squats and hacks it off with a chisel."

8.65. A man comes to a priest to confess.

"Father, I sinned. You know, I did it with a painting."

"???"

"Yes, you know, it's a life size painting of a naked blond movie star..."

"H-mm..."

"I just punched a small hole in the painting, right where she has this woman thing..."

"Hm-m..."

"Right. But, behind the picture, my old maid Masha bent over..."

"Oh!!! My son, your sin is grave, very grave. But the idea was not bad!"