ANECDOTES ABOUT JEWS
In this chapter a few representative jokes are gathered which deal with Jews in Russia. Once again, it seems appropriate to recall the Russian saying, "One can't kick out a word from a song." In an ideal world, many of the jokes cited below would be just like that, nothing more than jokes. In the real imperfect world some of the same anecdotes invoke the apparition of anti-Semitism which never is too far away in Russia.
Of course, there are scores of personalities, especially among the intelligentsia in Russia for whom bigotry in general and anti-Semitism in particular are the absolute taboo. Hopefully, the number of such people much exceeds the number of bigots and chauvinists. The name which comes first to mind in this regard is that of Andrei Sakharov who consistently and without compromises opposed all forms of chauvinism and anti-Semitism. I don't know if there is a street in Russia named after Sakharov, but in Jerusalem there is a place named Sakharov's Gardens.
On the other hand, it would be hard to ignore such phenomenon as the emergence, with the advent of glasnost, of chauvinistic and anti-Semitic groups who find explanation of everything that is wrong in Russia in a mythical Jewish (often 'Jewish-Masonic') plot against the Russian people. The centuries-old malady of anti-Semitic fervor is unfortunately not limited to a low educated stratum of the population as it is evident, for example, from chauvinistic and anti-Semitic escapades by the renown mathematician Shafarevich.
Among the jokes of these chapters some are innocent, as for example anecdote 6.22 which makes fun of ignorance, attributed equally to a low educated Jewish family and to a couple of anti-Semites.
A few other jokes may reflect certain real features that are a part of the psychological makeup of Jews as an ethnic/religious group (and could have been invented by Jews themselves). Obviously, such generalizations always rest on a very shaky supposition that some psychological traits are common to all (or to a majority) of members of any group of people, be it racial, ethnic, professional, sexual, age-related, etc.
On the other hand, some of these anecdotes stem obviously from a sick mind of anti-Semites. A vivid example of this kind of anecdotes is item 6.4 which combines an extremely derogatory image of a Jewish couple with a blatant obscenity.
I let the readers make their own choice as to where to place each joke given in this chapter.
6.1 . Every day, when coming home from his office, Rabinovich used to carry large packets. Once a curious neighbor asked him, "Rabinovich, what is it you bring home in such amounts?"
"What? Of course, it's flour, and sugar, and canned meat, and tea, and whatnot."
"But why so much? You have just three in your family, when will you eat all of it?"
"Stupid question. I make reserves, in case a war starts."
"Hm-m. Look at Ivanov next door, or at Petrov on the second floor, or Sidorov across the street. None of them make any reserves."
"Sure. What is it for Ivanov? If there's a war, he'll take a rifle and go to fight. But I'll have to live!"
6.2 In a joint expedition to Himalaya, Russian and Israeli mountaineers took part. One Jewish mountaineer, Monya, happened to fall on a steep slope, but was rescued by a Russian named Ivan.
Soon after the mountaineers returned home, a telephone rang in Ivan's apartment in Moscow. "It's Tel-Aviv calling collect," the operator said. "Would you accept the call?"
"Yes," Ivan said.
"Is this Ivan?" a female voice said with a Jewish accent.
"Yes, what's the matter?"
"Was it you who saved the life of my husband Monya?"
"Yes, it was me."
"Then tell me where's Monya's red knitted cap?"
6.3 A general lived right across the street from the building where lived a Jew by the name of Rabinovich. Every morning they met in the street while taking a walk. After some time, they started nodding to each other, and later saying to each other Good morning. One day the general said, "Comrade Rabinovich, we meet every day, but never talk. Wouldn't it be natural to talk a little?"
"Sure, comrade General," Rabinovich said. "I am honored."
"I understand you live in that penthouse?"
"Yes, comrade General."
"And that is your Volga sedan parked there?"
"Yes, comrade General."
"And is it your daughter who wears that mink coat?"
"Yes, comrade General."
"I believe you took vacations in Crimea last month with all your family."
"Yes, comrade General."
"And I guess you are a pensioner like me?"
"Right, comrade General."
"And your son-in-law is in that booth at the corner selling soda water?"
"Yes, comrade General, you're well informed."
"So, whatever your son-in-law earns is your only source of income?"
"Yes, comrade General."
"Look, Rabinovich, I am a General, with numerous decorations and I receive a very good personal pension, but I can't afford a Volga sedan, or a mink coat, or Crimea vacations. Tell me please, how do you manage to do that?"
"Comrade General, if you want me to be frank, I will admit: it's very difficult indeed."
6.4 * A Jew by the name of Abram traveled in a train with his wife Sara. In the same compartment happened to travel an army officer. The officer ogled Sara until Abram said, "What's the matter with you? Don't you have your own woman?"
"I don't," the officer said. "If you let me make love to your wife, I would pay you a ruble."
"What arrogance!" Abram shouted. "Who you think we are?"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."
After a while the officer said, "Listen, I am prepared to make it two rubles."
"Stop it, it's outrageous," Abram shouted.
After a while, the officer said, "Look, three rubles is all I can afford."
"Three rubles?" Sara said. "Abram, it would solve our financial problem for time being."
"But I don't want to watch it."
"No need," Sara said. "You just crawl under the pallet and wait there."
"But not longer than five minutes!" Abram warned. "And money first."
The officer produced a three-ruble bill, and Abram crawled under the pallet. Sara stretched out on the pallet, and the officer finally got what he wanted. Suddenly, when the officer was at the peak of ecstasy, Abram shouted from under the pallet, "Sara, hold his cock and don't let him come! He gave a counterfeit three!"
6.5 To advance their careers, Rabinovich and Khaimovich decided to convert to Christianity. As they were afraid of the baptism ceremony, they dragged their feet for several months, each of them hoping that the other one would convert first and then tell about the procedure. Finally, they couldn't put it off for longer, so they threw dice. Rabinovich was to go to the church first, and Khaimovich would wait outside. With tears in his eyes, Rabinovich hugged Khaimovich and, shaking in fear, walked into the church. Khaimovich stayed outside, waiting impatiently for his friend's reappearance.
In twenty minutes Rabinovich walked out, stretched his limbs and lit a cigarette. Khaimovich ran toward the new Christian and asked, "Nu, Isaak, tell me, how was it?"
Rabinovich answered, "First, I am not Isaak, but Ivan. Second, kike, you better tell me why did you crucify our Jesus Christ?"
6.6 . A Jewish woman is carrying a big bottle. A neighbor asks her, "Sofia Samoilovna, what is it you're carrying?"
"Urine for an analysis."
"My God, why that much?"
"I don't want them to say I'm greedy."
In an hour, she is walking back.
"Sofia Samoilovna, why are you carrying that bottle back?"
"They found sugar in the urine, so what, should I leave it for them?"
6.7 . Telephone rings in the office of the Pamyat society. A voice with a Jewish accent asks, "Is it true that you wrote in your newspaper that Jews and Masons have sold Russia?"
"Yes, we did."
"Then where can I get my share?"
6.8. A leader of the Pamyat society was dying. As his last wish, he requested to find a rabbi as he wanted to convert to Judaism. Surprised relatives found a rabbi, who said, "I am glad you've realized that your anti-Semitic diatribes were wrong. So, do you want now to convert to express your repentance?"
"No," the Pamyat's leader said. "As I am dying, I want to make one more damned Jew croak, so there will be one kike less."
6.9 A few years after the war, two veterans, Ivan and Moshe, met accidentally. Ivan was walking while Moshe was driving a car.
"Oh, I see, Moshe, you drive a car," Ivan said.
"Don't envy, Ivan," Moshe said. "I didn't envy you when you drove a tank throughout the war."
6.10. A Russian orthodox priest, a mullah, and a rabbi discussed how they distributed the money brought by parishioners.
The priest said, "I draw a line across the floor in the church. Then I hurl all money into the air. Whatever falls on my side of the line, is mine, the rest is for God."
The mullah said, "I draw a circle on the mosque's floor, and hurl the money into the air. Whatever falls within the circle, is mine, the rest is for God."
The rabbi said, "I just hurl all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants He can keep. Whatever he lets fall back down, is for me."
6.11 Two cars, one driven by a Russian priest and the other by a rabbi, collided. They crawled out and saw that both cars were smashed.
"God gave, God took," the priest said.
"Easy comes, easy goes," the rabbi said. "Now let's drink a little, to make things easier."
The priest poured vodka into a glass and said, "You drink first."
"No, no," the rabbi said. "You first."
The priest drank and poured vodka for the rabbi.
"No," the rabbi said, "I'll better wait now for the traffic cop."
6.12. Two Jews met, one of them having only one arm. The other said, "Moshe, where did you lose your arm? Have you been fighting during the war?"
"No," the other answered.
"Then where did you lose your arm?"
"They tried to drag me to the front line, and tore my arm off."
6.13 . A Party Secretary made a speech in which he appealed to the workers to sign up for three months of voluntary work in the virgin soil areas of Kazakhstan. He described those areas as a very attractive place, with beautiful sunrises and sunsets, green pastures, bright flowers, clear rivers, and snow-clad mountains. After his speech, a crowd surrounded him, everybody hurrying to sign up. Only Abramovich remained in his seat.
"Abramovich, what about you?"
"No, for the time being I stay here."
"Even now they already say the Jews can be found only where it's good to live."
6.14 A train that was moving with a high speed, suddenly derailed and moved into a field, then into a forest, and finally stopped. The chief conductor ran to the engine and asked the engineer, "What the hell happened?"
"Just a Jew. Was sitting on the rails."
"So, why didn't you just run over him?'
"I only now managed to catch up with him."
6.15 An old Jew was walking in the street dragging a goat on a leash.
"Moshe, what is that? Did you buy a goat?"
"So what? Can't a poor Jew have a goat?"
"Yes, but where will you keep him? You've just one room what with your wife and five daughters?"
"I'll keep him in our room."
"But Moshe, what about the stench?"
"He will get accustomed."
6.16 A Jew took his teenager son to visit a famous rabbi who had reputation of a saint. In the rabbi's home the guests were invited to a dinner. During the dinner, the son noticed that the famous rabbi put into his dishes plenty of salt. To the youngster's question, his father explained, "The rabbi is a saint. He avoids having any pleasure which would come from ingratiating his flesh. All his pleasures are spiritual. So he salts his food to kill the pleasant taste."
In a while, the rabbi's wife walked into the dining room. She turned out to be a buxom young woman with sensuous lips and vivacious expression on her face, her young breasts playing under her silk gown. The youngster stared at her. Finally his father said, "Don't ogle the rabbi's wife, it's impertinent." The boy answered, "But father, I am just trying to figure out, how much salt the rabbi needs to have no pleasure."
6.17 In October 1973, Rabinovich appeared in the office in a crumpled suit and unshaved.
"What is that?" the boss demanded. "Why are looking as a uncouth lout?"
"You see, I turned on my radio and all I heard was 'Israeli aggression, Israeli aggression, Israeli aggression.' Then I turned on my TV and all they said was "Israeli aggression, Israeli aggression, Israeli aggression." Then I went to the neighbors, and they turned on their TV, and all I heard was 'Israeli aggression, Israeli aggression.' After all that, I was afraid to turn on my iron and my shaver."
6.18 An old Jew walked into a food store, approached the counter, and said,
"Comrade attendant, do you have caviar?"
The sales clerk yawned and did not answer. The Jew waited a couple of minutes, and then said, "Comrade attendant, please, tell me if you have caviar."
The attendant turned away from the customer, and stared through the window.
After a few more minutes, the Jew said, "Comrade, comrade, why don't you answer me? I only want to know if you have caviar."
The attendant turned to the Jew and shouted, "What caviar? Are you an idiot? Caviar he wants, this dirty Jew! Get out, you damned kike."
The Jew shrugged and, walking out of the store, said, "Everything like it was before the revolution. Only then they had caviar."
6.19 In a restaurant, a Frenchman, a Chinaman, a German, a Russian, and a Jew all were served tea, and in each glass there was a fly floating. The Frenchman looked at the fly, threw up, and ran out. The Russian drank tea and swallowed the fly. The German pulled the fly from the tea, sucked it thoroughly, threw the fly to a garbage can, and drank his tea. The Chinese ate the fly and left the tea intact. The Jew sold the tea to the German, the fly to the Chinese, and ordered another tea.
6.20 A personnel man interviews a Jew for a job.
"What's your name?"
"Of course yours."
"Where were you born?"
"How many years of experience do you have?"
"You, you, you!"
"How old you are?"
"You? Forty, forty-five."
6.21 How many times is a Jew laughing after an anecdote has been told?
First time because everybody is laughing.
The second time because now he got it.
The third time because he didn't get it at once.
The fourth time because Moshe still didn't get it.
6.22 Before 1917, in one gymnasia there was only one Jewish boy in a class. Once the teacher asked him, "Rabinovich, who has written 'Eugeny Onegin?"
"Rabinovich, who has written Eugeny Onegin?"
"It was not me, mister teacher, I swear."
"Rabinovich, I am sick and tired with you. Tell your father to come over to see me."
Next day, the father showed up.
"Mister Rabinovich, you should do something about your son. Yesterday I asked him who wrote Eugeny Onegin, and he said it was not him!"
"Mister teacher, I wouldn't dream of arguing with you. But, couldn't it be that it was indeed not him?"
"Oh, ignorance! Tell your wife to see me, maybe she will be more understanding."
Next day the boy's mother showed up.
"Mister teacher, I talked to my boy, and he admitted it was him, but he promised to never do it again."
Next day the teacher told the story about Rabinovich at the teacher's council.
"I asked him who wrote Eugeny Onegin, and he said it was not him."
The teacher of religion, a bearded orthodox priest, asked, "Is this boy of a Jewish faith? Then no doubt it was him."
Next day the story reached the city's mayor, who said, "So, this snotty boy denied he did it? Ah, those little Jews, they always get involved in all kinds of skullduggeries, and impudently deny it afterwards."